First, I don’t feel comfortable with the topic of religion. This year in my school there was a club called FOCUS. It met on Mondays and it included pizza, gathering and a small conversation about Christianity. I have a small mental grasp on what Christianity is (Adam and Eve, Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and small stories here and there like Cain and Able or Moses). I find myself asking one too many questions during the meeting (some that other classmates think are silly, that I should just know and other question that don't have a definite answer). I hated those answers. But I guess with “Faith” sometimes there aren’t real answers.
One day on the way to the movies with my BF, one of his family members engaged me in a conversation about religion and what I think. She asked me if I believe in God, which I answered I want to believe there is a higher power but I’m unsure if that is God. She asked me do I believe that devil is this higher power, which I shook my head side to side ( possibly shaking a few screws lose in the process) and answered too loudly “NOOO!” As we continued our journey to the movies to forget that my uncle’s funeral was the same day she then asked me about heaven. Now, the only talk I’ve had about heaven is with my Uncle Fredrick when he told me, my siblings and cousins about cloud like mansions and pavements of gold, and God just sitting on a throne. That was around 10-years-old before my Grandmother passed away. This entire conversation caused my anxiety levels to skyrocket. The sounds of faith and feelings of indecision about what I believe caused me to start crying in the line to get our tickets. I don’t want to be forced to believe anything yet, I will learn what is the truth in due time but how is it you expect me to believe in a God we haven’t seen? When he kills off young people before its their time to go and when there’s terrible things happening every day.? I guess I don’t know but religion makes me uncomfortable.
Second, I like to think of myself as innocent and trying to see the best in people but my faith in humanity was truly tried this past weekend. I can not describe what had happened at full length as to protect the person that it happened too, but I wanna know why people think that some things that are potentially dangerous are funny? Why is playing with the balances of life and death so funny, or a good “game to play”? This weekend has made me question the possibility of making it to the age of 25 as well sadly. Since I live in Baltimore, I feel like I could be mugged, stabbed, taken or anything at any given moment. Night or day. What’s the odds of making it out now? I’m going to college here and I’m nervous now. This weekend I have learned that anything could happen at the blink of an eye and it’s not entirely certain that we’re gonna make it to 25. Even though that's what we want, I hope we can make it there physically.
The other day I was told that there was slavery in Africa before the Europeans took Africans over to the Amerikka’s (this was when I was watching the Roots: Remake last night). This is somewhat shocking to me because to me slavery is slavery is slavery, there no gray area here to me. Apparently, it was more respectful over in Africa (people apparently married into it and were prisoners of war etc.). Later in the conversation I was asked if I had to build the pyramid and I was the pharaoh wouldn’t I have used slaves to build them. My answer was no I would not force someone to do something that they didn’t want to do, I mean why not just be buried in the sand. Yes, I know someone had to build the pyramids so that way the pharaoh can have a tomb to put his worldly possessions in to bring them to heaven but to me that’s just wrong no matter how you spin it.
I think maybe I am overly opinionated maybe or paranoid, afraid but I have valid reasons for being this way. But that’s all for now and I’ll continue to observe.